Hell If I Know!
by Tsuki Doriimaa
Summary: GWInuyasha crossover - I don't have a summary for it. I've gotten great replies from those that've read it before posting here. So enjoy!
1. Chapter I: Hell Is Being Lost

  
  


**Hell If I Know!**   
By: Anime Redneck   
1-30-04

  
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Well this was new.

    

Honestly it was!

    

See, there was the large, overly orange colored traffic container sitting fifty paces - maybe it was seventy if someone actually walked it instead of riding in the back of a truck and lying them down - away from another one looking exactly the same as the first… And the some twenty odd numbered ones that came before it with the un-godly yellow 'warning' strip around them, lining one half of the road.

    

Then, if you'd turn your attention to the right of the road you had the complete opposite.

    

On _that_ side of the road. You had the Shoulder-recently-turned-into-a-Lane, with paved over earthy land, into road, dotted here and there, in un-straight lines by the little road mound reflector things. I've never personally taken the time to figure out what the hell they're called. And I don't plan on it either. They serve their purpose, why the hell do I care what they're called?

    

See. This is all _extremely_ new to me. Can't you tell?

    

I mean honestly! It's not like we don't see shit like this every damn day we take this road. It's only been here Shinigami knows how many fuckin' years and it's under construction AGAIN!

    

I mean dear Hades forbid that we actually need to WIDEN the damn road!

    

And yes dang it, I do have a predilection for Death, it's carrier, morbid humor and the Underworld. Leave me the Hell alone! Everyone has _some_ kind of quirk. And damn it, that ones mine!

    

Anyways… like I was saying. We've only had this road for Shinigami knows how many years and they all the sudden decide that I60 needs to be widened. It only has three lanes on each side people. But noooo… We need _more_ lanes! Lets not pay attention to the fact that the other side of I60 on 245 has FIVE lanes each.

    

But no, we need to add more.

    

Dark Lady below! Make our lives Hell why don'tcha!? We're only meager working class folk - but please, do tare up our only roads and make us sit in traffic for two hours just to get home. Burning up gas that would be better used actually MOVING for Hades sake!

    

But no, we don't mind just sitting here twiddling our thumbs while you all move the freeway from one side to the other and back again…

    

Saa… And the funny part is that I could just as easily lean over, nudge my partner awake and ask what the hell those little deals in the road is called.

    

I really could! The guy is a bloody genius. I'll be the first to admit though (along with him in a dark room and chained and beaten to admit he has a _fault_ to him - snigger) he's not the best in every field. Like people. He can't stand people. I don't know what it is… But he does not, like to be around people he doesn't know. Weird ain't it? Considering our line of work and all that jazz…

    

But, no, seriously! You put him in a room filled with people - like a party or banquet - and he'll become a wall ornament. He will not move. He will not speak. His eyes is the only thing you'll see move on him the whole damn time he's there and I am SO not kidding anyone! Dark Lady forbid him actually get thirsty and have to brave the many drooling, babbling cows known to others as "Humans", in the room to venture the drinks table, battle the bartender, grab his bounty and fight his way back to the wall he was previously helping to hold up with the many other people in the room (regardless of they're sex) that don't like being where they happen to be.

    

I can't help but laugh at it! I've tried _many times_ to get his stubborn ass away from the wall and come dance with me. But hey! Not too many people (well it's vastly been accepted, but you still have some stick-up-the-old-ass-pricks that bitch hell about it) in those kinda rooms are real open to that. Not that I give a damn, mind you! Let 'em think whatever the Hell they want. I care not! MAHAHAHA!! I'm Evil and loving it!

    

Saa… I respect and love the goober too much to force him onto a dance floor in a banquet hall that he sees as 'enemy territory'. Any foot on that floor is like hopping around trying to avoid land mines and, ya know, that makes for kick ass dancing! If you like that "I've got a fuckin' rat in my pants Get it out! Get it out!" type of thing.

    

I laugh aloud at that too.

    

It's so funny, 'cause he does that shit in a room full of people that he ab-so-frickin'-lutly does not know (with more fluid to it, lets be honest now), and it's funny to watch then. If not just because it's funny… Then it's funny because I know that when in a smaller room, with say, twenty people he knows and respects, the others he doesn't know… He can dance with such grace it makes your head tilt to the side in astonished disbelief. How can someone, who not three weeks ago at the 57th's Anniversary Ball, doing the damn "Hamster Dance"… dance the damn Waltz now like he's been doing it all his life?

    

It's amazing to see the change in him so quickly. It's just his nerves I guess… And I can understand that, really I can. I get the jitters in a room full of people I don't know as well. But I can hide it behind my mask of "cheerful-nothing-can-harm-me" crap. Not a bad mask, have you. You can easily piss people off with a mask like that. It's great. ^_^ Kill them with kindness and all that crap.

    

So while I don't know what his problem with people exactly is… I have shot an arrow at the guessing board and come up (me thinks) pretty damn close to what the problem is, and to the conclusion that there's no real answer or way to solve said problem…

    

I do believe that Mr. Genius here doesn't like people because… Drum roll please!

    

He can't bloody well understand them. O_o

    

Sincerely now people. Who among us, can say without any hint, flinch or twitch of deceit… Say we understand the average Human?

    

Because I sure the Hell can't. And I'm _known_ for sitting around and watching people just to see what the hell might make 'em tick, ya know? What makes that person do what he or she does? Why would they want to? Doesn't look like something I'd enjoy doing, so why the hell are they doing it? What's so great about it? Why'd they pick clothes to wear like that and why for today?

    

Ya know, crap like that. Well more then that, I can do a lot deeper, but yea, that's the main of it. Especially the "Why the Hell are they acting like that?" question. That gets asked a LOT!

    

I do believe that is why my buddy here can't get along with people. He just plan can't understand what the Hell they're thinking and rationalize out why they do what they do. It's very confusing for him; and I believe on some level it scares him that he doesn't understand this simple knowledge that - Everyone's different and does they're own thing.

    

It's really, really simple and common knowledge, but somehow in his schooling he's missed this subject being covered. Must've been sick that day or something. I don't know. Gotta love 'im though. The handsome jerk sure does go out of his way to put up a front of indifference; he doesn't give a shit, around those he doesn't know… But around friends, and those he considers family, he lets it drop and its… I don't know what word would really fit there… Touching? To know that he's comfortable enough around us to let his own mask fall.

    

"Asshole! Use a blinker next time buddy boy! Damn jerk…" glaring ahead of me at the shitty neon sky blue SUV, I sigh and glance to my sleeping passenger, happy to see he's still knocked out. Poor guy.

    

Having construction going on around us isn't bad enough… We've got morons driving all around us! I've damn near been hit three times! Who the hell slams on the breaks for the hell of it when the next car is a good fuckin' two truck spaces in front of them? Jesuz Chris! It pisses me off! I thought for sure that time, with the force of slamming on MY breaks and jerking forward I'd of work Ro up, but no dice, he was still knocked out cold. Been that way since we got into the truck.

    

Saa… Anyways. As ya might've guessed, we're on our way home from work. The path is long and boring as Hell - it's also under construction!

    

X_x Someone please shoot me!

    

Thirty-minute trip home, now extended to an hour and a half. Please be sure you've brought your popcorn and beer, so you can better snuggle back into your chairs and watch people run around wearing flashy orange and neon yellow vest waving signs, yelling at one another, dropping things and unknowingly making a spectacle of things while they work.

    

Groan. Maybe it's just the people in the cars, trucks and semi's that go nuts watching these guys. Our mind just seems to warp into "Beat The Hell Outta Everyone" mode.

    

Don't they have another road they can go pick on? Why's it my road? I've been driving this thing for years! It's never needed to be fixed before! What the hell's up with it now?! Goddamnit! There was paper work for this kinda shit they had to fill out and they certainly hadn't filed it with me!

    

When I get home, I'm going to complain. Then, when we head to work in the morning, I'm making banners protesting the work on MY road and get others to go down and stand out picking they're noses. Should be interesting to see… especially since what we are is relatively respected and honored to most people in the world. The lowly 'Can't-Think-of-Anything-Better-To-Do-So-I'm-A-Criminal' don't seem to like us. But hey! That's not my fault!

    

So yea, we're headin' home. It's a nice home.

    

I flip the jerk cutting in front of me off and ride his ass for a few miles grinning.

    

Where we work is great and all. There's lots - and I frickin' mean LOTS - of people, many, billions of buildings, loud dogs, some horses, got a few cow - though that's rare… So yeah, lots a stuff and we see more and more very day. It's nice. But we can't stand to live in the city, so we live two hours outside of it in the country. You have to love it. It takes any normal person four hours of driving to get in and back home from where we live. For me. It takes little under an hour. ^_~

    

Whoever said Stealth doesn't come with Speed - hasn't met me! 'Cause I speed past my little buddies there and never get caught. It's great! Wicked cool to, 'cause ol' Ro doesn't pitch a fit when I do it. He's just as anxious to get back home as I am. After spending all day in the large, overly mass packed square known as a city (also as one of the largest in the States, somewhere in the top ten I think) it's a pleasure to be home where you can actually see the Stars and hear crickets chirp at night. Its wonderful just to sit outside on the porch swing and watch the world around you.

    

It's private but not if that makes any sense to ya.

    

What I mean by that is that, we've got a 10-acre track of land (nice huge square of it, not like some rectangle blocked deal) on a 'street' that's got other pieces of land along either side of it in varying acreage. For instance; we've got a lady next to us with 48-acres - we call her "Horse Bitch" 'cause she is and maybe I'll cover that later as to _why_ we call her that. Yeppers, we've got her on the right, she's got 48-acres, to our left is a guy, Steve, who has 25-acres (he's a kicker!). Right across the 'street' (its just a dirt cleared path in the land between each side that's been beaten up with gravel thrown over it ^_^) from us is Jessie and Pat, we nice folk with… Hell I think it was like 26 or 35-acres… can't remember, but doesn't matter.

    

You get the idea. It's kinda like a street in any city or town, but we've only got like ten people living on it, it's private, and we own different amounts of land. Even with, it's wonderful! We even have parties out here once in a while that everyone on the 'block' comes to! Hell man! It's so quiet out here that when Ed down on the very end throws a party you can hear it up at the middle where we are! That's usually our cue that, if we want to go, now would be a good time. ^_~

    

Needless to be said - I make the others go! I'm not sittin' at home on my ass when someone's got a jammin' band down the way and a party in full swing! Hell no! Stuffy and tired guys or not, we're partying!

    

"~_There is just enough Christ in me, to make me feel almost guilty… Is that why God made us breed? To make us see we're Humans Being?_~"

    

It's a nice house. Might as well go ahead and tell ya since I really don't think we'll be moving anytime soon. We'll still like, fuckin', half an hour from the exit I need. IF that! >_know there's a back way to get home… I just… can't seem to remember which way it was… Saa… And I adamantly refuse to wake 'Ro up to ask him where it is… 'Cause then he'll get cranky and the poor boy really needs his sleep…

    

It's a one story. I really wanted a two story, just to have the stairs, ya know? The others just couldn't see my logic in this area of thinking, and flagged me off as a nut and went about they're planning of our new home. Which is funny 'cause… I'm going to be living in the damn thing and they won't let me plan it!

    

Looking back on the times then, and how I was… Snicker. It was probably for the best. I was known (still am happily!) for thinking up some pretty goofy shit. You wouldn't believe half the suggestions I was throwing out while they're heads were all knocking together trying to draw up the plans.

    

Say like, for instance, a sink that had a spigot shooting out Kool-aid instead of water? Or the ice machine that spit out crushed ice tea bits? They didn't really like these ideas. Or the sunroof for the bathroom. Grinning evilly I look around innocently. I can't image why not! Thought it was a damn good idea myself! Hell, you'd be able to sit on the toilet and get a suntan all in one sitting! Or shower in midday and tan, either way, I thought it rocked.

    

"~_You break this, I'll break that… You break my balls with all your crap… Spread your disease like lemmings breeding… That's what makes us Humans Being…_~"

    

So its (regrettably) one story. We've got the front facing the gate (I said it should face away from the gate just to confuse the people that visited and make them work a little harder to knock on the front door as was proper, instead of knocking on the back ^_^ No one was amused - Almost… Ro's lips twitched). We've got the front door (or the screen door if you wanna get detailed with me) framed on either side by large windows. On the right side are six 2'x1/2' square windows making up a much larger window for the dinning room. On the left side is a 8'x3' window at shoulder height that's to my room. Nicknamed the "Front Bedroom" or "Duo's Danger Zone". We've got a garage to the right of the dinning room; we don't use it. It's cluttered like you wouldn't believe with a bunch of crap that now… We just don't know whats all in there!

    

It's really pathetic when you think about it that we've got two crazy "neat freaks" living in the same house. hehe We part all vehicles under the trees surrounding the house. We don't worry about bird shit or anything like that. They're pretty spread out. I think the only birds we've got activity hanging around the house are Humming Birds and that's cause we have feeders for 'em. The others (Crows mainly) get shot at for target practice.

    

I'll tell you what! They sure beat the Hell out of using paper targets! Them Crows are QUUICK!!

    

"~_Shine on, Shine on… Shine on, Shine on…_~" Gods I love this song.

    

Entering the front door (sadly located in the front 'yard' facing the gates direction), you've stepped into the dinning room! Please keep wary eyes on the table located immediately to your front right side. It tends to attack newcomers.

    

On the front wall to the right of the door - the near four foot of space between door and large window… We have an ancient ass Record player/AM-FM Radio that looks like a large boxed table. A nicely polished, all natural wood table, I might add. It sounds a lot better then I'm making it out to be, trust me. The thing is like sixty years old and still works! We don't use it though, really… I mean, Q-bean draped a small crochet thing over it and put a pot of lively flowers over it. It's nice to have there though. A real conversational piece if anyone comes over. Kinda an eye catcher.

    

Then, at the end of that wall on the other side of the dinning room windows, we have a cute country cabinet deal. I don't know what Q-bean called it. It's a cabinet though. It's painted white - I hate that. I think we should strip it down to its natural wood, but no one'll let me. >_     

So anyways… It's painted white; goes from floor to a foot and a half from the ceiling. Has two glass doors on the top that show off some of the weirdest (and old I'm told) dishes I've ever seen. Some are nice though. I told Q-bean I lay claim to the bubbly blue glasses if he ever didn't want them. Funny 'cause I'm sure we'll all still be living in the same place if that ever happens, so it's not like they'd be going anywhere. Under the two top doors, you've got a flat drawer that's got some silverware and stuff in it, then under that you've got two more doors (not glass ones this time, they're painted white too -_-) that house _more_ dishes of various kinds.

    

Behind the front door on the wall there, we've got a small closet. You can find closet things in there. Snigger. Next to that is a beautiful sideboard cabinet - Which I'm damn proud to say I FOUND in an antique sale. It's beautifully natural wood with a dark finish… kinda maple lookin'… It's got these kick ass carvings up the 'legs' of the sides that go from table top to the shelf above, it's got two mini shelves sheltered behind the legs. The whole back of this deal in the middle is a mirror. We've got some old oil lamps, frog and pig, Elivs, and even some cow figurines and some really neat lookin' rocks we found while walking around on the small shelves and the bigger stuff on the top one that runs along the whole deal. The 'table top' holds a money jar, some other jars, a stuffed animal or two girls from the office gave us for holidays, and some dishes. The cabinet doors below, and the one medium sized flat drawer hold games, candles, and knickknacks… You name it; it's probably in there.

    

"~_Some low life flat head scum infects, The sickness in his eyes reflects… You wonder why your life is screaming… Wonder why your Humans Being…_~"

    

Then there's the dinning table that dominates the dinning room. You've got a wall in front of it that has a bar on the right with overhanging cabinets, you've got a slightly larger then a door walkway before the wall starts up going into the hallway on the left. Other side of the bar is the kitchen. Don't make me tell you what's in there. I'm sure we ALL know what's kept in a kitchen.

    

Ours is a nicely done country like one. It's green, pale yellows, dusty baby blues and silvers. Sounds weird, but trust me! With the stencil work Tro-man put into it… Dark Lady it just kicks ass! He used the silver and dusty blue to make neat vines crawling along the walls… The pale yellow is used to highlight some of the darker corners, in other places used as small suns in various stages… The green… Well that's mainly the cabinets and whatnot. We've got beige too… I'm tellin' ya, it's hard to picture, but you'd have to see it to know how well it really works together.

    

Okay, suppose with moving the _few_ inches that we are, I can spare to tell you what the kitchen is set up like - not what's in it.

    

Like I said, you've got the bar on the right side with cabinets hanging over it. Well there's also another set of cabinets with glass doors that meet those over the bar in a 'L' against the garage wall. Under those cabinets the bar still runs, only for about five foot before it and the wall stop. It takes a sharp right where you crash into a door that leads to the garage where you can find bunches of crap we don't half of what's out there. We do know that there's a deep freeze and the washer and dryer is out there. The rest? Well that's up for anyone's grabbing at.

    

From the garage door on the left there's the pantry where most of the food's kept. If you stand at the door leading into the Forgotten Lands (garage) you're lookin' at another doorway. That was normally going to be the back door. Yet upon pondering that to do further, Fei came up with the idea to make it look like it used to be the back yard and had a den built there instead. So it's a doorway, but goes into the den (living room for y'all that're high class). The fridge is on the left of the Den doorway followed by a counter, microwave, then sink (we have a window above said sink looking into the Den) then more counter and finally a corner that takes a dangerous left turn at the stove, then coffee pot and oven.

    

I'm not telling what's in the Den. We've got a TV, some chairs, a couch, a game station. ^_^ Now on to the other part of the house! Gods, I'm descriptive, eh? Think Ro's habit of getting things down to the letter are rubbing off on me. Well! That's better then some of the habits he has, right? ^_~

    

Back in the dinning room, if you go down that short ass hallway there, there's another closet, then a linen closet. In front of that is my room! Well the door for it anyway. Take a right ('cause you can't go left) and you go down a little ways coming to a stop at the end of the hall. It's only like twelve twenty foot long, nothing fancy. At the end to your immediate left is Tro-man's room. To the right the bathroom, and to the front Fei and Q-beans room.

    

That dare I say, is the extent of the house. Nice eh? It's not fancy. It's nicely country and simple. Always smells nice. We've got half cedar walls, it's really cool! You walk in from being in the city all day long and it's like "Aww damn! It's bitchin' to be home!" Of course that gets you funky looks from the people you live with. But since they know you, they let the comment slide translating it into English for, "Thank god I'm home and away from the smog, heart clutches of the city!"

    

Shrug. It all works out.

    

"~_Shine on, Shine on… Shine on, Shine on…_~" Damn! What an ass! I can't believe people like that dude. Shit. If your gonna get on an exit ramp to go South. Fuckin' stay on the exit ramp! Don't wait half an hour, decide to hell with it then try turning off of it to get hit. What an ass… Shaking my head I sigh looking over the traffic we're still stuck in. Ro's still sleeping. Damn, wish I could, but I'm driving.

    

"~_Humans… Humans Being… We're just Humans, Humans Being…_~" Na, na naa! Dun, dun de rum! Guitar jammin'! "~_That's what makes us, Humans Being……_~" And the crowd goes wild! Thank you! Thank you! No really! I appreciate the applause.

    

Hmm nuttin' like great music to cheer you on while driving… Well while doing anything boring unless it's good friends, music and drinks! Ah cha cha cha!

    

Hey! That's right I forgot! There's a smaller house 'bout four hundred fifty yards from the main house. It's not really a house, more like a really big bedroom. Put it this way. You could fit me and Fei's room in the thing, ight? Know what? It's ALL Ro's room! Lucky bastard. Glancing at him I grin. He's got all kindsa shit in there. Even cleared out some brush behind it and made a practice area for sparring and stuff that him and Fei like to practice. Pretty neat. Not my type of deal though. Lucky bastard's got the biggest room!

    

Dark Lady this is boring as Hell!

    

Actually, now that's not right… The Underworld is a lot funner then this…

    

What the fuck was the alternate way to get home again? There's no way I'm nudging Ro up to ask him about it. I'd never hear the end of it! In our line of work we have to know ways to get around things like this and… I don't remember… How embarrassing… But I guess since he's asleep I don't have to worry about it. heh

    

I think what I'm lookin' for is three exits up there… Normally I'd pass all of 'em up, and take the second one after that straight on home… But… I know there's something laughing at me in the back of my head 'cause I can't fully remember where its at. But if I can get off NOW, I can take the feeder to the right spot and carry on from there. Hope to hell Ro doesn't wake up and find out we're lost, and preceed to beat the crap outta me while I'm driving!

    

Hades! What'd we tell the guys at work? "No dude, I didn't get beaten by a bear! I-" I couldn't very well tell them that Ro took The Club and started hitting me anywhere he could 'cause I got us lost and he had to stay awake long enough to drive us home! Shit that'd be the lowest of being embarrassed one person could get.

    

I can see it now. Walking into the office… long sleeves, a cap and shades… It's 80 outside with 75 humidity… Everyone's in the shortest sleeve shirts they can find in uniform blue… I'm sweating like a dog, worrying about keeping the temporary "The Club" tattoos on my arms and head hidden from the others. Ro'd see the looks, smirk and try not to laugh at me or the others.

    

Yup. I can see that happening. That's why it's NOT going to happen! I'm going to find the other way to get home and he'll NEVER know about any of this!

    

Being that I'm talking to myself helps a ton in that factor.

    

I wonder if Baby Doll's comin' over this weekend or not?

    

Goddamn this is boring. I'm working my way over to the right lane. I'm in the middle lane (there's four), it's happening, very, very slowly. It's become Asshole Day on I60 because of construction.

    

Music isn't helping anymore.

    

I've now got random thoughts flying around my head that even _I_ am scared to think about. I swear that if I started to sing what's running through my head out loud now, even Ro in his sleep would think I'm bloody crazy!

    

Ohhh lookie there! One lane away from the goal! There's a truck by me - and by that I mean a Semi. I can't be mean to them guys. They're great truckers, it's the other pricks behind the wheel that they have to worry about. Never had a problem driving near a Semi before either. Real nice folk.

    

My uncle drives one. Howard's a goofball though. Runs in the family. I'm told all the time how I could even make a clown crack up with my humor - or scare them. Depends on what mood I'm in apparently.

    

I give a shrug never really paying attention to what comes out of my mouth before. Probably why I get into trouble a lot. ^_^'

    

Cuttin' off the guy in the stupid looking green Bug behind the Semi, I give a hootin' holler and cheer from my now conquered right lane. "This is my dance space. That's your dance space… Leave me the Hell alone!" The dude doesn't look too happy. Like I care. I just wanna get hooommmeeeee…

    

"Old MacDuo had a Freeway, ei ei ooo… And on this Freeway sat a flock of ticked off Worker Dorks, ei ei ooo… With a "Getcha ass over here!" and a "Put that brick there!" there, here a Dork, there a Dork, everywhere a Dork Dork!"

    

This was seriously going to wound him mentally for life… or just until the next time he had to drive this road. Thankfully though, the next time was Ro's turn to drive.

    

"Old MacDuo had a Freeway, ei ei ooo… And on this Freeway was a man pickin' his nose, ei ei ooo… With a Pick a little here, Maybe some over there, Rub it off and hide it there! Everywhere a Pickin' some.

    

"Old MacDuo had a Freeway, ei ei ooo… And on this Freeway sat a beat up Toyota with shitty fumes, ei ei ooo… With a person coughing here, person coughing over there. Here a cough, there a cough everywhere a cough cough!"

    

Dear Hades save him!

    

"Old MacDuo had a Freeway, ei ei ooo… And on this Freeway was a Bobcat, ei ei ooo… Diggin' little here, throwin' it over there, Makin' life Hell for the normal man! Everywhere ya looked!"

    

Shit. That was it he was done for. Sanity has LEFT the building!

    

"Old MacDuo had a Freeway, ei ei ooo… And on this Freeway was a crazy man, ei ei ooo… Sanity left 'im 'cause he stopped and it kept goin'! Ei ei ooo… And with this crazy man were thoughts of murder… 'Cause he couldn't remember his dadgum brother, ei ei ooo… Gettin'' tired of sittin' on his ass all day the crazy man said, "HELL WITH THIS!" kicked in the Four Wheels and drove down the side of the freeway cheering with every bump and honkin' his horn wildly 'cause he was a Crazy son-of-a-bitch for THINKING THIS!!!"

    

You know. There comes a time in ones life where they come to inherit the vast, very important knowledge that, going down the freeways 45 degree land covered side is probably not the brightest of ideas. But it SURE scares the shit out of people below you! MAHAHAHA!

    

Well! After that little heart beating warm up exercise, I think I'm relatively ready to have some more fun!

    

That in mind I switch off the 4x4 drive and kick into regular hauling ass down the feeder laughing at the idiots still stuck on the freeway. Sorry. I can't stand sitting still for any length of time. As Ro or the other guys, they can vouch for me.

    

Do de doo… This place looks slightly familiar… Didn't we bust Jose "Mase" Contez? The one that didn't know his 'nickname' was spelled wrong and was tryin' to pass off a .45 as a water gun while drunk?

    

Hmph. Well at least I'm not heading back to the station… I'd be in deep shit then…

    

Twenty minutes later… I think it's been that long… Not sure, but I DO know I'm following the freeway so I'm in the relative right path for the way home. I hope. Because… Ro's waking up. I think that cutting across the median to the other side was a little more bumpier then he liked.

    

"Duo…" he murmurs, dark eyes cracking open enough to look around us before throwing a mild sleepy look my way. "Where are we?" The other half of that question being 'Shouldn't we be home now?' was left silent. Really, he didn't need to tell me this.

    

"Hell if I know!" Lets be honest about it now! I'm lost. Damn lost.

    

He blinks. "Hn" snuggles deeper into the chair, batting his gun away from digging into his hip and goes back to sleep.

    

O_o And people talk about MY sleeping habits! Welp! Don't have to worry about him beating me now. Just have to worry about getting home…

    

Thanatos help me!

  


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Well alrighty then! ^_^ That's the first chapter to "Hell If I Know"! Hope ya liked. Nice name ain't it? I couldn't think of one. That popped up and sounded appropreate (I know spelled wrong) for the fic. You'll see why later. ~_^   
  
I hope y'all enjoyed Duo's strange self. Please review and let me know how it goes and I'll work on the next for this one (or whatever story catches my writing fancy! ^_^) Dankes!!   
  
Keep it kickin'! ~ AR   
  
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**Disclaimer**:.. We don't own _Gundam Wing_.. We surely don't own _Inuyasha_.. So you can't sue me or send Sango's boomarang after me either! I'll sick Sean on you! I own 'im and my truck and the plot to this story if I actually had one. ^___^ ::crackles::   
  



	2. Chapter II: My Friends Are Deranged

  
  
**Hell If I Know!**   
By: Anime Redneck   
2-3-04 ~ 2-5-04   
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**Chapter II: My Friends Are Deranged**   
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Ever get that one point in feeling where your whole body just decides that going flush - and tingling! Can't forget that - is a good idea?

    

The kinda feeling that just screams "_Oh shit! I did something reeeaallly bad! And while I don't yet know what it is… I'm going to act like it was nothing at all 'til it bites me in the ass_"??

    

I just had one of those moments.

    

The kind you know your blushing from hair to toes and got that weird ass pulsing going on, your almost scared but not…

    

Really weird. 

    

That's what Ro's "Hn" comment about being lost did to me.

    

I mean come on! Would you act completely calm, unconcerned that your best bud and blood brother just told you "_Hey, we're lost, and I have NO damn clue where we are!_" as if he were talkin' 'bout last weeks fight in the mail room??

    

Noo!! Of course not! Not me!

    

I'd be pitchin' a fit and demanding for him to remove his white ass into the back of the truck so I can drive my own ass home! Thank-you-very-much!

    

Drop me off in the middle of a forest somewhere - Hells a desert! - I guarantee, I will be back home, lounging on the couch in three days one how or another. I'd bet my buck rifle on it!

    

And that, ladies and gents, is a high roller in the country world.

    

You Do Not, mess with a person's huntin' rifle. That's automatic death right there. Or if it ain't and you've got that person's permission to mess with it - you can sure high Hell bet that they've got a super close eye watchin' ya. Mmhmm, trust me. I know!

    

So, we're still drivin'.

    

Well, I'm drivin'; he's snoozin'.

    

I wonder if I were to stick some paper up his nose if they'd shoot out like it would when ya stuck paper in a straw?

    

Hades I can just picture that one! Little paper wads shooting from Ro's nose across the truck onto the dashboard. That's the kinda thing you need a third person around for so they can take pictures of it. I'm sure Ro's high and mighty friend would LOVE to see his dear boy doing something like that. While sleeping no less! 'Cause, Dark Lady forbid the guy actually do something like that while awake.

    

Lets face it people. Even awake, I don't know one person other then myself and maybe Miroku when we're alone, that would even DARE to be caught blowing paper wads out of our noses.

    

Laughing, shaking my head I try to get that image out of my head. I've got enough issues with Me, Myself and I - to have to worry about Miroku's! That guys got issues they haven't even thought up _names_ for!

    

Ever watched a person stare at an animal - any kind - touching they're ears and feeling they're fir just trying to figure out what sex they are without looking?

    

It's overly strange when you think about it 'cause the guy can't stop groping women to save his life! I can vouch for the poor doofus. I've had to personally haul his ass (literally) out of more then fifteen malls, over a half-year period, so some girl didn't go AWOL on his ass. It's sad. I mean, have a little fun, sure. But Hades be damned he's made it into a Death Sport!

    

My uncle would be proud. ^_^ Hades always had the most particular sense of humor.

    

Looking over at Ro I can't help but think he's really mad at me. Even though the only thing coming from his this whole while was "Hn" before goin' back to dreamland, still. He's gotta be just the smallest bit upset. I mean. We're supposed to have this get together when we get home and we're gonna be late.

    

'_He doesn't hate you, ya dork._'

    

I don't know where the voice came from, but I disagree with it.

    

'_The guy's your buddy best since y'all were kids and now you think he hates you over something this small? You really are a nitwit! What do you think he's going to do? Rip the glove box door off it's hinge and beat you with it?_'

    

Hey! Hey, hey now! Lets not get to name calling alright!? Especially not one that chic calls me. I swear I'm going to beat the hell outta ya buddy! And don't even suggest it! Ro could very well do that man! You've not seen the shit this man's capable of!

    

'_Jackass._' It snorts. It actually snorted at me! '_You'd be kicking your own ass. But hey! If that's a new way to keep others from doing it, then please, by all means, I could use some good entertainment._'

    

I'm ignoring that remark. So all y'all out there can just ignore it too!

    

Does anyone else do this? Argue with someone else in your mind? Which is fuckin' freaky 'cause you know damn well it ain't no one else - unless someone passing by is Telepathic - that you're just arguing with another part of yourself… And yet we keep on like we're actually speaking to another being!

    

I've heard of mock battles, to see how they'd go; might turn out, what the results would be... But mock arguments!?

    

Dark Lady below and bloody Hell man! Do you know how long I can keep one of these things up? It's not even funny (well it is at times). I'm serious. I caught myself just last Wednesday debating up here - lets tap my head for emphasis - about… Hades… of all things… Qat and Fei's relationship with rhinestones.

    

I kept it up for over an hour.

    

I swear on my father Thanatos… that you will _Not_, go into their closet and pick out a shirt, pants, fuckin' socks or a shoe, that _doesn't_ have rhinestones on it.

    

I'm not kidding here!

    

It's a fuckin' light show every time they walk into a damn room!

    

It's eerily weird… and yet it's… umm… I don't really want to say anything bad about them, either of 'em. I mean they're great guys and all but… Rhinestones!? Who the Hell wears those in this era!??

    

What. Does Q-bean think he's going to be the next Glen Campbell?

    

And tell me this please… somebody… Who in this overly, extremely-can't-count-everyone's-ass, of a Universe, have you EVER seen a Dragon wearing rhinestones!??

    

Crickets chirp.

    

The sound of grass swaying comes to my senses…

    

Exactly! That's what I thought. NO ONE!!

    

Yet I'll be damned five times over (my dad's Thanatos, the first damning doesn't count) if we don't have a Chinese Dragon living with us wearing the damn things! X_x

    

You know… if you bite off one rounded end from a pretzel it looks like one of those seeds off of that anime, "Blue Seed".

    

feh. The random shit that comes to my mind… Popping in another pretzel I turn onto our road whistling… Find myself coughing up a lung because whistling and eating pretzels at the same time doesn't seem to mix well.

    

Ro didn't stir… Even when my truck starts jumping around on the rocky road (mmm ice cream!) damn bastard!

    

I glare at him. But his eyes are still shut. His chest rising and falling with even breaths… his ankles still crossed and his - Wait a dadgum minute here! Did that little shit just… He DID!

    

Ro's SMILING in his SLEEP! Frickin' cuteass probably heard me choking and thought my Father was coming back to pick me up…

    

No such fuckin' luck asshole.

    

Laughing I honk the horn like the devil and speed on down to our place with one happy thought - well quite a few but I'm allowed to have secrets - on my mind.

    

Y'aller stuck with me even when we all die.

    

Ahhh… SUCH a beautiful day!

    

And look. We're home!

    

I think I'll just get out and lock the truck up with Ro in it… just to piss him off for the hell of it. Never mind he hadn't done anything to me.

    

He should know better then to sleep while I'm driving.

  
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Peace. Serenity.

    

Walking through the bottomlands we own, watching the majestic trees waving they're mighty limbs in the soft breeze - same one playing with my long bangs - as if they were waving hello to us. I cannot say that some of the trees gracing this beautiful country lands, are not saying hello to us as we walk past them.

    

Oak, Birch, Cedar, Pines, Yaupon's… here in these lands lye a very vast collection of trees one could think would not live, grouped together as they are, in the same conditions.

    

I am of Earth, one of Her children, and I have yet to understand the reason they all live together, here, without dying out.

    

The heat on some days is so tremendous it is astounding the small Weeping Willows down near the creek survive such highs. They are not near enough the creek to benefit from the waters there... Even if they were, the creek is well over a thirty-foot drop from land level to creek bed. The poor Willow's roots would not reach the much needed water source.

    

The more time we spend here - amazing since we have lived here well over ten years - I become more attached and enthralled by all around me.

    

Perhaps it is merely that I am a Wood Elf, and as such, it is in my blood to love all natural beauty around me. Yet, I find myself believing it is more then just this theory. I believe it, the theory of my being an Elf causing my love for the woods around us - but it is simply more then that. It is as if… I have been here before, perhaps lived here in some time past, and have just recently returned from an overly long hiatus.

    

The flowers dancing in the breeze sing to us happily. A song of greeting and story telling of the events from the night before; the telling of a royal looking silver and black wolf pawing the earth in irritation before catching a very unique scent and pouncing off like a cub in joy.

    

I smile, trying to build in my mind the picture of any wolf not still a cub prancing off following a scent. Humorous as that picture happens to be… I believe the one before me now of a small kit swatting at a flower giggling at him, funnier.

    

We decided to take a break from walking the lands and currently sit amidst a field of wild flowers. I lean against a tree, while the kit I'm watching over, nay but three years in Human terms, is sniffling around each flower he comes to, batting at it when it laughs tickling his sensitive little nose with the coming breeze.

    

It does not seem to happen much anymore; I do not know if I should be worried or not over such a thing - as I find myself humbled and honored to be the one chosen to watch and care for this little kit while it's adopted Sire is away.

    

He's a feisty, playful little thing. Takes every moment of watching him to make sure he does not happen into more trouble then he can handle. Which, chuckling, come to think of it, is not that much in first place!

    

He is so small; one fears a strong gust would blow him end over end away. The adorable kit is only little over two feet in length and only around four or five inches wide. Coat gleaming bright wheat, eyes of fiery emerald gaze out at the world filled with childish bewilderment as they take in all that's around him. His little puffy tail swings back and forth with differing speeds depending on what has caught his rapt attention. Our little kit here is so curious about all that's around him; he takes no heed of danger and plunges right ahead into it, if one does not keep a close on him.

    

In that respect, I let a grin grace my lips; I do not admire his adoptive Sire. The young man has his hands quite full with this young one here. And he loves every minute of it; even the trouble his kit gets into. The way, I believe, he looked at it was, "I get to exercise, keep my skills in check, and play all while looking after him. What's to complain about?"

    

Obviously, my dear friend over looked the parts contained therein of risking his life to save the mischievous kit when he went looking and trouble found him. A few incidents with Mountain lions and Bobcats immediately come to mind. But, I suppose when one has a child they love to look after; a parents love truly does know no bounds.

    

"You live among strange brethren, Little One, do you know this?" I ask while watching the kit chase a dragonfly; calling after him when he had gone further then I'd like. He bounds over into my lap giving me something that would pass as a grin, had he been in humanoid form.

    

"Your friends are rare gems of the strangest kind, Little One. Who am I to talk of them, when I am one? You're living with us, I believe would make us - me - your uncles, would it not?"

    

The kit gives a soft bark, bunting his head into my stomach, causing me to smile softly, scratching behind his little pointed ears.

    

"A Wood Elf - this is I." Smiling down at him, feeling a soft vibration being given off, like that of a cats purr. "The son of Thanatos, with his out worldly humor… The Taiyoukai Lord of the Western Lands… a blonde Arabian and his Dragon Lord… We also have a boomerang wielding woman… a powerful Miko with a perverted, mind misplaced Monk!"

    

Chuckling, tipping my head to the sky I let out a soft sigh of wonder. "To top them off… the glue of us all… I have pondered many times how he became to us, found us… our Stars no Oji."

    

Sensing I had forgotten someone my nose twitches in annoyance… Yes this is true. There was also the undead Miko chasing her copy around, and the Princess from another land… Relena… For reasons I would rather not look into, a shiver goes down my spine. I simply cannot come to like this woman… She seems nice enough, yet there is something lurking below the surface that pricks my warning nerves.

    

I stay as far away as I can.

    

Even resorting to locking myself in the Oji's room should he allow me. Smile. He does, of course. He would admit any of his friends sanctuary there can he fit them all… However, as the sad fact may be… we cannot all hide when the sandy blonde haired woman comes around… _Someone_ must greet her.

    

Mayhap should we introduce she and that Miko copies original, they could get together and leave us kind folks alone. We live to torment no one - the same cannot be said for the two ladies. Perhaps then, on that wondering question, I could ask Thanatos' son for his help.

    

Yes… this could be very educational… not to forget mentioning entertaining.

    

Sighing softly, still petting the kit's fur I wonder when the others should be home. As it stands now they are late. This is unlike Duo; especially when he knows before hand we are to have friends over.

    

Aw well, I suppose this is nothing. Duo always has a way of making appearances, or stopping to retrieve some thing or another for the 'parties' we tend to throw when everyone is gathered.

    

I remember the first time moving here he wished to throw a party and invite everyone. I had nearly gone mad with worry. A party? Here, in this beautiful please?

    

Knowing of Thanatos' sons version of "partying" I was not thrilled to hear of his suggestion. Worried over the forestlands being "trashed", littered with junk others did not have the decency to carry over and deposit in the right bend: so instead they left it on the grounds.

    

I was appalled with visions of this happening to such a wondrous place filling my mind.

    

I had done my best, Artemis knows, to hold off the happening… Everything from stealing and hiding the equipment in the tallest trees to sabotaging all vehicles.

    

Simply put, I was not happy this was happening and was determined to not have it happen.

    

Shaking my head with a chuckle, we all know how that turned out. Duo fixed the cars and trucks, the Dragon Lord, Wufei shifted and helped to get the needed party equipment from the trees holding them, and I… I remained hidden in the bottomlands afraid to go up visiting the house to see the damage done.

    

As you'd have it; nothing was done. The place was near spotless.

    

Later did I learn, Duo took my frantic (though quiet as they were) pleas to not have his party to heart and made extra care given to those that showed up; to clean they're messes, leaving nothing.

    

The parties since then have gone in the same manner with only one change - I now attend them. //_^

    

"Do not wonder to far astray Little One. We cannot have you gone missing when your Sire returns home, now can we?"

    

Seeing his little tail start wagging doubling time, a small "Meph!" leaving his muzzle, I smile softly, leaning against the ancient pine more fully, watching powder-gray clouds drift across the sky; it's color waning to violet-reds.

    

My mind seems to have encountered the problem of not thinking something to wonder upon this day. Constantly have I been chasing one thought after another. This time, as my eyes track the cub I am caring for, I cannot help but wonder silently when he shall be able to shift into his humanoid form and hold it?

    

There was a short time after his finding that the Little One had shifted into his humanoid form; giving us our first glance as to what the young kit might grow to look like. The poor kitsune could only hold the shift for a few precious moments before it was lost, and he reverted to his natural fox form.

    

But in such little time, we were gifted with quite the cute sight! Rust-red hair flopped around widely in the days winds topping a little head holding wide bright green eyes like that of the suns light glittering off of grass. Small pudgy arms sure to be long and limber when grown, had sat before his surprised form, trying to grasp some of the dirt he had sat upon in little stubby fingers. His pointed ears and fluffy tail twitched and waved in curious delight; pleased to have free movement in this form, as well as in excitement.

    

He could not speak, only make "meph" sounds, something I would say sounding between a whimper and a bark. Each sounded happy that he had seemed to find this new transformation; and yet, when the shift had reversed itself, the small kitsune let out a disappointed "meph" before trying to amble over to the one person he seemed to have chosen as his new Sire.

    

We could not find any other Foxes in the area who had lost a kit… let alone a Youkai Fox family… Thus, it was decided amongst ourselves to keep the Little One, to raise and love him. Of course, it was not without saying that the kit had seemed to chose on it's own, to live with us… or rather, one of us in particular. Quite amusing when you think of it. The one he had chosen to be his new Sire was the one most likely among us to be thought not chosen. Then again, animals have very keen senses; perhaps our little kit here knew something we at the time did not.

    

We have all lived in this area all our lives… They're lives, really, for I have lived many places in my long life… Traveled to see many lands and greet many people while doing so. Somehow, the small blonde, Quatre had come upon this land and purchased it as his new home; and invited his love interest to live with him… As the question was asked (from my understanding) Wufei already had a roommate that he was very reluctant to leave alone.

    

Something about destructive tendencies and mixing potions together that had no business being even thought of trying to be mixed. I believe I heard them recounting this tale one night and revealed that a house previously being lived in by the two had been "_blown to Olympus because the damn fool didn't know shit from Cheyenne!!_"

    

Laughing quietly with a smile I can recall Duo admittedly refusing this accusation with demands that the Dragon Lord replace the shinning piece of his hard won innocence back up before the rest of it started to fall apart. The rest of us, of course, merely laughed at the braided boy and ignored him pleasantly.

    

~_Sylvan Child_…~ the tree beside me beckoned, it's mental voice soft and melodious, almost as if it were laughing at something. I turn my head up in respect, eyes closed, waiting. ~_The human that is not, with the misplaced tail has returned_…~ It is most definitely humored by this telling.

    

Inclining my head whispering a thank you to the old one, finding it amusing that the trees in this area think Duo is a human with a tail that was not placed in the correct spot.

    

I start to stand when a rambunctious "MEPH!" catches my attention in mid-stand, a bundle of energy crashing into my, causing us both to fall over into the lush calve length grass covering the lands. "Meph! Meph, meph!!"

    

I cannot hold back my smile, or the chortle bubbling at the back of my throat demanding to be let out at the happy little mewings - such an odd sound caught between a bark and cats meow… Though to say this to the Little One would grant me a meeting with his little sharp teeth. He is a sensitive one.

    

So I nod, smiling and pet his head. "Yes Little One, I know… your Sire and Duo are home now, are they not?"

    

"Meph!" tail wagging delightfully.

    

"Alright then Little One" heaving myself standing, dusting the earth clinging to my clothes off, I smirk. "Let us be off and find out what your wayward uncle has done to your Sire, shall we?" As if I have to ask at all. His rumpled tail of shinning wheat-gold wags even harder if such a thing were possible and he gives his small bark of agreement as I head off.

    

It does not take long for use to reach the top, Little One squirming to be put down, but I do not. His Sire would have it out if the small kit were found running up to him and I not being in appearance near him. I take my duty very seriously. It is with great honor and pride that I receive this small kit into my caring hands to look after while his Sire is away. And… I would be hurt as well, should anything happen to him. We all would be, though none other greater then his Sire.

    

Mere minutes does it take for me to walk where the road curves onto a new one, leading to the opening our house sits in. And I stop there, at the wood line to observe the goings on; I do not see anyone. I can hear music coming from the house; mostly likely Duo, no other vehicles appear in sight yet… However I do not see a light on in the other house. Where is our missing Sire? Perhaps in the main house with the others?

    

It was as I began walking past the trucks that the kit I carried carefully in my arms started to squirm. I stopped, perplexed and wondered what could have caught his attention over there. Nonetheless I obliged the Little One and walked over, examining the trucks to find, that in Duo's, slept a peaceful looking - if not worn-out - kitsune Sire. Smile twitching at the corners of my lips I ambled over, carefully opening his door and nudging the form within; all the while listening to the happy sounds coming from the kit.

    

"He-" beating me to the wake up call, jumping from my folded arms into the man's lap in the truck, Little One started to lick at the young man's face below his chin affectionately; trying to rouse him.

    

A soft groan waifs through the air, the form twisting around to sit fully in the seat from his side-sat position he had been in. Right arm lifting, softly swats at the kit, making his tail wag even faster, the rousing turning into a game as the Little One backs off, waits a second and attacks once more with his licking.

    

Chuckles. "Shi-Shippou… stop you-" another swipe, "-crazy kit!"

    

Watching my friend awaken, hands how holding the kitsune away from his face so he might be able to look upon his cub fully, without seeing blurred colors (and possibly to stop being 'cleaned'). I observe as his eyes soften, they're swirling depths of blue turning a deeper shade as a smile crosses his tiers. "Hello to you too Shippou!"

    

"Good eve, my friend." I greet him, drawing his attention away from his cub to me, a light flush coloring his cheeks. I refuse to grin at him, to tell him he looks once more as he did when eighteen when such a color crosses his cheeks. "Comfortable?"

    

"Mmmm" he nods stretching out before climbing from the truck, "Was warm."

    

"Perhaps so, my friend… But if my eyes do not deceive me, I would have to say Duo decided to lock you in the truck again." This was not the first time Duo had decided to leave Heero in the truck before walking about his business. I personally, can see no logic to locking the Japanese man in a vehicle of which he can easily get out of. The humor, I can find on most times… Others… Simply make me start to wonder about the people I have chosen as my housemates.

    

"Hn" a smirk crosses his face while stretching after exiting the truck. With more bounce into his step, he raises an arm and pats my shoulder in quiet thanks as we start towards the house, the trucks having been parked away from it in light of the upcoming party. "Let's just say… Duo'll get his due next week - or time - he gets into the truck, eh?"

    

Not commenting, but wondering just what the lad had done? I content myself to watching as he goes from the strong, take no funniness cop we know during the days… to the soft hearted, cooing Sire he had become since finding the small kitsune crying our in the woods. I must admit… the sight of that wild dark chocolate haired head bowed over a small fox and asking if he'd been a "good cub" and inquiring what they had done that day, in the tone of voice one might a small child… is very amusing. The clashing of 'personalities' one might say, is very noticeable.

    

"Hey Baby Doll!" calls out from the front porch we are not but a few hundred yards away from. Stopping at a large Oak, we wait and watch the scene about to happen.

    

Duo is on the wood porch leaning over the rail grinning like a giant cat about to get the sweetest milk. The giant bone boomerang wielding Exterminator is standing on the pathway towards the house, her right hand clenching and unclenching into a fist. Finally with an irritated, "Ohhhh!" she storms the path, pausing at the railing, rears up and smacks Thanatos' son upside the head with a audible _THRAP_ before smiling kindly to the dark haired head peeking out the doorway and entering.

    

Heero laughs, the deep rumbling sound echoing through the clearing, "Baka." Hearing the noise, I notice that Little One's ears twitch towards it, his lips pulling back in a fox grin, cuddling closer to his Sire. "They'll never learn."

    

"Mayhap not" I agree before pointing towards the gate, "Then again, neither shall those two" the Miko and her friend, the lecherous Monk come around the corner on a Four-wheeler; they live a few blocks away.

    

"Oh Kami…" the sudden need to be away from everyone seems to have hit him, holding Little One closer as he changes direction towards his small house. Without word, I follow. If this appears to be something he does not feel will be good to attend, I shall accept it and keep him company. After all, we are very similar in many areas; something he may not like is something I, might not appreciate as well.

    

All we would need now is…

    

"INUYASHA!!! DAMN IT!!!"

    

Never mind…

    

It appears my timing has slipped a light bit. All the players but for one as arrived… and I am certain, the last shall not be far behind the newest.

    

And so, it is with everyone gathering, that the night's party has started, and myself, Little One and his adopted Sire quicken our steps to hid before all hell breaks loose.

  
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And there you have it! The second chapter to "_Hell If I Know!_" ^_^ Third coming soon... After I try working more on AC2. Don't know what's happening in chapter three yet, but we'll see when we get there, ne? Hope ya liked this one! Please let me know whatcha think and I'll work on gettin' the next chapter (to one of the many stories in the works) out soon!   
  
Keep it kickin'!   
  
~ Anime Redneck   
  
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**Disclaimer**:.. We don't own _Gundam Wing_.. We surely don't own _Inuyasha_.. So you can't sue me or send Sango's boomarang after me either! I'll sick Sean on you! I own 'im and my truck and the plot to this story if I actually had one. ^___^ ::crackles::   
  



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